eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
