i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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