When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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