Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
