DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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