Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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