you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
