my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
