As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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