I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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