so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
