How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
