Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
