I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
