im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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