the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
