I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
