my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
