Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
