Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I FOUND THE LEGS
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