I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Randomize
