Dude my mom stole all your condoms
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
