Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i will never coherently bang her
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
