I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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