u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
