Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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