ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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