im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
It's blow job season.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
