Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Houston, we have a squirter
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
