remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
