I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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