I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
