her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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