I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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