Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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