You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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