Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
