Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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