She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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