Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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