we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
