your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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