Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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