My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
