Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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