I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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