I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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