I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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