How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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