I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
