I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
