Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
