My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
hell yes lets make some ravioli
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
