What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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