Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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