Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
