she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
