so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
