life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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